Mixed Emotions and Feelings, Negative or Positive. NEBULA, as in astronomy, either emits or absorbs. Is either bright or dark. Through this platform, I want to take you to all these aspects of NEBULA on Emotions. I hope you will like the STAY. :)
Sometimes in life, Things do look hazed, Condensed and brittle appear.
One touch and it may fall, One shake and it break. With one hand, You hold the handle of the jar.
So fragile it may appear, Still struggling hard, "I have to keep it intact :(" Harder I tried, And I shattered the glass to shards.
Shards which may bleed you, Hurt you for now but remain there, As a scar which you may not hide, Or expect them to heal right away.
There will be a corner around, "But where?"
A question with no answers, And then so many answers, Still no colour seems right, Shall the grass be painted blue, Or sky some bright red?
I then with this crying heart, I Ask myself, where is the resolve left? To breathe or to walk or to continue. I should just sleep on this wet trail, Waiting for the peace to return.
My heart commands, You can't sleep so peacefully, You are so condemned by me. That you can't have such a peaceful death.
Sometimes in life, You can just watch, With no words of your own. You can't even protest, Neither you can save yourself.
Someday in my life... And I wish my Heart not to stop me then...
How to start, where to start. Been thinking for so long now. Should write something... Should say something. But what I am suppose to say when I am right now, not at all actually in shape to say anything. What if I say something, will I be spitting poison or administer some sweet medicine. Either way, I just can't be a normal guy with normal dreams. What is the fun in being just a normal or so called MANGO (common) People. Heck, even Mangoes are not that cheap these days.
Been in love opens so much of Horizon. So many dreams, all start to focus on one aim "To give your Love some meaning". Some realization... some just don't try hard. Some one must be that great who has once said "If you love somebody, let him/her go. If she comes back to you, she was meant for you, otherwise she never was yours." I know he was great. But I am not a normal guy so how can I become a great Sage. How can I let her go when I know that if she will leave me, there will be nothing left. I may be able to move on, but won't I be looking at those suspiciously who will say "I love you". I will miss something always... and that missing won't be such a great idea. I may change everything about me, my location, my style. But at the end, I will remain the same. I am sure will try hard to accept the truth. I do, sometime but all worked up.
Love to me never came naturally. It was all surrounded by surprizes. For many Love is just a game. Not for me. For many Love is just a mask for deriving some pleasure, mostly physical. Not for me. For many, Love is just a distraction away from their monotonous life. Not for me.
How do I put it. I want everything and am one hell of greedy ass. Life for me was not so colorful before... and its not now as well. I wanted to paint my life which is just a plain canvass. All white and some dirty spots here and there. I never tried to hide those spots. But what wrong in coloring them so that I can atleast try to remove those stains. I should chose the right brush and paints as well.
Fine, I expect a lot. Shall I not? Oh K another great soul told me once, donot expect anything from anyone. sigh, He never lost expectations from me. Yeah that is ideal situation, Stop Expecting from others if you don't wanna be hurt. But then, still I am not a Sage. I am not normal either.
I don't know if I am faithful or trust worthy. No I am not... I can't be trusted upon. ummmm ooooppps I just realized as well that no one can as well put faith on me either.
Why I am writing this anyways? Am I insane or crazy. So much of Nebulous emotions pouring here and there in my mind. Some makes me feel guilty, some makes me feel irritated. Some do make me angry and some make me take a pity on myself. Some make me realize nothing is worth in my life. Some persuades me to go on. Some asks me,"is everything worth?" A wrong question and some makes me believe that it is worth. Some try to make me happy. Some try to make me sad. Some makes me smile. And worst some try even to make me cry when I had promised myself few years back that I won't cry. Shit, I am breaking my own promises made to myself.
With promise, there are so many promises I have broken. Won't hurt you, but I did. Won't smoke, but I continued to smoke (Hold on, I did try my best, but then I lost the motivation on the way). I will always smile, but I can't. When you are hurt, U can only force the smile which I don't like to or that will make me look professional dealing with some other for professional relationship.
And worst part is, when you are hurt, there is just no body whom U can solace from. Not even the person you love wants to be around you cuz of fear that in return I may hurt them. Wow... a nice Tit - for - Tat situation. Hurt me I will hurt you back. ooo Kiss me I will kiss you back.
And what should I do if I see things repeating Again and Again. Again and Again. Again and Again. Again and Again. The same thing that irritates me, I see them happening Again and Again. Again and Again. And then people do know that the reasons whatever be, may be upsetting me... still they under the full knowledge, do it. Then a Sorry. Sorry a beautiful word which can make things right always... but then saying Sorry and not even realizing it, makes this S word just a worthless shit. Same like if you hit somebody, say Sorry. Hit him again and Say Sorry again and then Thank You / Sorry becomes the same. Thanks Sir, for allowing me to say Sorry. Before and Afterward nothing. I can't just ignore it. After all am abnormal.
And at the end, what is the meaning of all this. Its just a game. Not for me. Ohh but it is important more then any person. Not for me. Enjoy playing this game, which is known as Game of Life and I know if I will play, I will hurt so many... U are allowed to play with anyone. Oh U can play. Play the way u like. Bend the person... bend me. You are allowed to hurt, ohh hurt me.
After all I am in Love... Love is suppose to be a mix of all emotions. I am allowed to be loved and hated as well. I am allowed to smile and cry as well. I am allowed to get angry at the same time I am expected to shower Love. I am allowed to vent out but when I do. Sigh.
Love is just not easy. But it is worth fighting for. Love: Sacrifice, Forgiveness.
I just wanted to vent. I know mostly I spitted venom here. But am tired of keeping my emotions at bay. Worst part is, I still don't know what this will bring to me. And I know I have just disgraced the Emotions of Love. Am Sorry and I mean it.
Yesterday, I was having my own moment. Moments deep in thoughts. So many thoughts were zooming by, coming to me and then taking their own course and vanish somewhere. But one thought lingered on. Who am I? If I want to talk to myself, what should I refer to? Should the conversation will go like this: Hi Himanshu Shekhar, how are you doing? or Hey Himanshu, wass up? Or should I be saying, Neo wanna play with me or Hey Eon, lets discuss something? What will I call my soul? Sometimes he plays with me like Neo or sometimes he talks to me as Eon. What is the name of my soul? These names are given by so many others. No one asked me before keeping these names. Though apart from Neo, as I was big fan of Matrix and I asked my new friends at my graduation to call me with this name. So Neo was also inspired and heard it somewhere. So what is my name? What is the name of my soul? Or hell, what is the face of it either. My mind shows so many faces of it. Sometimes pure white sometimes mix of colors making me feel as it has been corrupted. Or sometimes pure black as if he has shut himself down from me. And sometimes it remain so open to me so that I can try to look inside it, what it want from me to do. If I can understand. My soul says,
Hold it, Hold it. Bear with me for few more moments, That I will give you what you want.
I am giving you time, That you can hear me clearly, Do understand me please, That is all I wish.
You want happiness I know, But when am sad, How will you get it anyhow?
Go ahead, walk down the road, Be patient that you will have it. Because there lies What your heart seeks.
Don't be afraid, I am with you always, I am always around. Just few more moments, Don't ask how much, It may be countless hours or days, But please hold on.
I need you as much as, You need me. I also want to rise, As much as you want to.
Keep looking at the horizon, It may not be that clear right now, That it use to be. But you also know that its momentarily, It will again get clear when those clouds will rain.
Soon the glaciers will melt down, My rivers will again fill me with supplies, And then rain is gonna arrive, I will cleanse myself again.
Just some moments please, And your goal will be clear. I will guide you, I will become your angel.
Thanks Soul. Thanks for being with me. I am also with you. Oh by the way, what is your name? Again no answer.
I turned the knob to unlock the door, I stepped with fear inside. The mirror on the opposite wall, I can see my own reflection, And it was nothing but a figure of ghoul.
I scream out, What the hell? Who am I? Am I the Saint, a human, Or just another avatar of a demon?
I want to run out of this room, Is it haunted in itself? Fear has gripped me in, And I realize my legs just wont move.
The ghoul figure appears in front of me, Possessing me, engulfing me in its dark aura. Whispering in my ears, that am gonna be the devil now. I scream for help, I don't want to be a devil now. But who is going to save me from myself?
The part of my soul which was Angel, Is dissolving in the same poison, That I have been so long brewing. My Angel is going all green, Soon it will fade away into nothingness. I will become an Evil, which all will hate.
I don't want to be the Evil. I don't either want myself to be a Saint. I just want myself to be a Human. I have to save myself somehow, I just have to save myself somehow.
My heart begin pounding, All the terrible thoughts appearing. All my past memories, which made me bleed, All resurrecting from their graves.
I don't want this, I want to love and be loved, All I want for myself is a happy soul.
This is a small story of a rose plant. Once a lady planted a small sapling of the rose plant on a small piece of Earth. That plant started to give out stems and was always trying to maintain a firm hold on the ground. He was happy and was feeling great. He was young, full of dreams and full of aspirations. What were his dream and aspirations no one knows. He started to give red roses (they were not beautiful as such). He always wanted to spread his fragrance and beauty. People started to like him. Some became his friends and he happily let them have one piece of his flowers to them. They use to come by and stop to be with him. And every time he use to listen to them and then give them one red rose every time. He was happy. He was overjoyed that he was able to help his folks.
One day, a stranger came to him. She was overjoyed to look at this young red rose plant. He became her friend and she started to take his flowers every time. This girl was different. She started frequenting him regularly. She uses to tend to him and water him regularly. And this young plant started to like her. She use to spend her countless of hours with him. He felt, like he is in his bliss. He was happy and all joyful. He started giving up more beautiful and fragrant roses. His previous friends were always there and they liked this new development with this red rose. His stems grew and his leaves became bigger. He knew, he has something which is helping him grow beautifully. But little he knew that instead of his own roots for water and own leaves for air, he gradually relying on this young lady. Because she uses to water him regularly, she use to spend her time with him giving him some air of her own and then when this plant needed some shed from the sun above, she was always there. When she doesn't use to visit him, he use to get restless and one could see that his red roses were not the usual. They were big but not tht beautiful. This plant was though unaware of this fact. One day, she left him. He didn't know what struck him.
His roots were not that strong now that he could consume water properly. His leaves started to wilt. His friends were still always there. They use to come to him regularly, remember. They felt something is wrong with their dear friend (The Rose Plant). They felt he now needs some water and some tending... So they use to do it regularly. Rose was again started to feel that he has some life left. He can grow again. But this time, it was different. He continues to give his roses to others but then there were also some thorns on the stem. Some who were not careful use to get their fingers pricked while those who were careful still use to have hard time taking one rose from the plant. This Rose plant was not happy at this development. And still his friends won't complain because they knew, with Roses there is always thorns attached.
Now he has recovered. His roots were strong again and his leaves were again full of life. And he came to know that he needs to give thorns along with his roses so that people can really enjoy the charm of the rose. What is the gain without a pain? What is the fun without the adventure?
Still he use to long for one person who can again make him feel what is actually a Love. Few days passed, days turns out to weeks and weeks to months and gradually months turned into years. He was still waiting, doing his usual chores, giving others his flowers and his fragrance, with some thorns.
His wait one day came to an end. He met one person, a complete stranger again. He somehow felt, there is something different about this one person. She doesn't come to him for his flowers or anything, but just his company. He started to like her and she use to spend her hours with him. She uses to tell him her happiness and her sorrows. She use to play with him and do crazy stuffs. This plant wanted to give her his red roses but she was reluctant to take one. He started to fell in love with her. But this time, he doesn't want to have the same fate that he had once suffered. So he was waiting. One day, she did took one flower from him and he was on the clouds. He showed her his love by shaking his petals on her. He shook his stem so that this girl can touch his stem and make him feel the warmth.
He said I love you to the girl in his own way. Girl understood and she hugged him regardless of the fact that those stems were still thorny. But then miracle of love was such that because of her love, those thorns just became so soft that she didn't got hurt. And u can imagine the wonder this Rose plant felt.
He was again blessed. And this time, he doesn't want to fail. Because he know, if this time he fails, no one will be able to help him again, and he will be left alone on the same soil for wilting and sad death. And this is the reason for his grief, his greed, his eagerness to spend some time with her. This is the reason that he cries when she is not near. This is the reason sometimes he feel neglected even though he knows in his heart that the girl is not neglecting. This is the reason; he always wants her to be with him. So that he can always give her his flowers sans thorns and keep her happy. This is the reason, he wants to believe that where there is a love, there is everything. And he want to make her believe that he is always there with her, no matter what and how. He is always there with same blooming Roses around. Some will wilt some will remain. What remain will be his love and his life. :)
