Venom Spit / Sweet Medicine

How to start, where to start.
Been thinking for so long now. Should write something... Should say something.
But what I am suppose to say when I am right now, not at all actually in shape to say anything. What if I say something, will I be spitting poison or administer some sweet medicine. Either way, I just can't be a normal guy with normal dreams. What is the fun in being just a normal or so called MANGO (common) People. Heck, even Mangoes are not that cheap these days.

Been in love opens so much of Horizon. So many dreams, all start to focus on one aim "To give your Love some meaning". Some realization... some just don't try hard.
Some one must be that great who has once said "If you love somebody, let him/her go. If she comes back to you, she was meant for you, otherwise she never was yours." I know he was great. But I am not a normal guy so how can I become a great Sage. How can I let her go when I know that if she will leave me, there will be nothing left. I may be able to move on, but won't I be looking at those suspiciously who will say "I love you". I will miss something always... and that missing won't be such a great idea. I may change everything about me, my location, my style. But at the end, I will remain the same. I am sure will try hard to accept the truth. I do, sometime but all worked up.

Love to me never came naturally. It was all surrounded by surprizes.
For many Love is just a game. Not for me. For many Love is just a mask for deriving some pleasure, mostly physical. Not for me. For many, Love is just a distraction away from their monotonous life. Not for me.

How do I put it. I want everything and am one hell of greedy ass. Life for me was not so colorful before... and its not now as well. I wanted to paint my life which is just a plain canvass. All white and some dirty spots here and there. I never tried to hide those spots. But what wrong in coloring them so that I can atleast try to remove those stains. I should chose the right brush and paints as well.

Fine, I expect a lot. Shall I not? Oh K another great soul told me once, donot expect anything from anyone. sigh, He never lost expectations from me. Yeah that is ideal situation, Stop Expecting from others if you don't wanna be hurt. But then, still I am not a Sage. I am not normal either.

I don't know if I am faithful or trust worthy. No I am not... I can't be trusted upon. ummmm ooooppps I just realized as well that no one can as well put faith on me either.

Why I am writing this anyways? Am I insane or crazy. So much of Nebulous emotions pouring here and there in my mind. Some makes me feel guilty, some makes me feel irritated. Some do make me angry and some make me take a pity on myself. Some make me realize nothing is worth in my life. Some persuades me to go on. Some asks me,"is everything worth?" A wrong question and some makes me believe that it is worth. Some try to make me happy. Some try to make me sad. Some makes me smile. And worst some try even to make me cry when I had promised myself few years back that I won't cry. Shit, I am breaking my own promises made to myself.

With promise, there are so many promises I have broken. Won't hurt you, but I did. Won't smoke, but I continued to smoke (Hold on, I did try my best, but then I lost the motivation on the way). I will always smile, but I can't. When you are hurt, U can only force the smile which I don't like to or that will make me look professional dealing with some other for professional relationship.

And worst part is, when you are hurt, there is just no body whom U can solace from. Not even the person you love wants to be around you cuz of fear that in return I may hurt them. Wow... a nice Tit - for - Tat situation. Hurt me I will hurt you back. ooo Kiss me I will kiss you back.

And what should I do if I see things repeating Again and Again. Again and Again. Again and Again. Again and Again. The same thing that irritates me, I see them happening Again and Again. Again and Again. And then people do know that the reasons whatever be, may be upsetting me... still they under the full knowledge, do it. Then a Sorry. Sorry a beautiful word which can make things right always... but then saying Sorry and not even realizing it, makes this S word just a worthless shit. Same like if you hit somebody, say Sorry. Hit him again and Say Sorry again and then Thank You / Sorry becomes the same. Thanks Sir, for allowing me to say Sorry. Before and Afterward nothing. I can't just ignore it. After all am abnormal.

And at the end, what is the meaning of all this. Its just a game. Not for me. Ohh but it is important more then any person. Not for me. Enjoy playing this game, which is known as Game of Life and I know if I will play, I will hurt so many... U are allowed to play with anyone. Oh U can play. Play the way u like. Bend the person... bend me. You are allowed to hurt, ohh hurt me.

After all I am in Love... Love is suppose to be a mix of all emotions. I am allowed to be loved and hated as well. I am allowed to smile and cry as well. I am allowed to get angry at the same time I am expected to shower Love. I am allowed to vent out but when I do. Sigh.

Love is just not easy. But it is worth fighting for. Love: Sacrifice, Forgiveness.

I just wanted to vent. I know mostly I spitted venom here. But am tired of keeping my emotions at bay. Worst part is, I still don't know what this will bring to me. And I know I have just disgraced the Emotions of Love. Am Sorry and I mean it.